Saturday, October 22, 2011

I want to be a part of something bigger!

It's hard to imagine the future. I often sit in my empty apartment and wonder what I will be doing in five years. But no matter how hard I try, the question remains unanswered.

I spend a lot of my time either simply trying to stay alive, or working towards my future; but I've come to realize that I have no actual plan for the future.

That isn't saying that I don't have a goal in mind. My goal is to one day work towards a life that is better for all people, even if the difference is minuscule and completely unnoticed, for all people, for all of time. That is to say, that infinity time any (positive) constant is still infinity, and if I can manage to bring a better tomorrow for all people, I will have done enough.

Perhaps, even if I can bring a better tomorrow for even just the people of today, without making things worse for the people of tomorrow, I can die in peace, knowing that I have done well.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how hard I think about it, I simply can't imagine what must be done to accomplish such an ambitious dream.

I feel like my path in life is to go through school and learn as much as I can. Then, and only then, can I possibly affect the world in such a way; but lately, I feel as though I am merely biding my time... or wasting it. What is really to be done about the world? What can one man do to accomplish so much? How can I, even with a library full of knowledge, help the world to be a better place?

And so, I feel as though education has become somewhat superfluous to my cause, as though I already possess all the necessary skills and knowledge that I need to make the world a better place, but am simply lacking the ambition to accomplish that which I truly desire--change!

But then, what change? What can I do by myself, or even with a team of people, that might help the world in such a way? Am I really prepared to take on such a mountainous goal when simply waking up in the morning and attending classes or even getting to work on time are so extremely difficult to accomplish? Am I truly prepared to dedicate myself to something greater than I am, and am I capable of doing so without the recognition of hard work and understanding which one can only gain through institutionalized learning?

"Oy vey!" I scream to the world as my unlimited potential goes to waste. "Oy vey!" I scream to myself as I watch the world change around me, without my contribution, and without the help I so eagerly wish to contribute. What is one man to do? How is one man meant to do so much, when he is so concerned with doing so little. How, when so desperately trapped as a man is, is he to do anything beyond the scope of his friends and his family; and how, I ask, is this, in itself, enough for one man to do?

I would sacrifice everything I have ever worked for if only I could accomplish my dreams. If only I could sacrifice myself knowing it would make the world a  better place. But NAY! Only by living and continuing this meaningless existence can I possibly bring meaning to life. Only be continuing to suffer can I bring about the necessary change that may help the world. And EVEN THEN, I am left to wonder if what I have done can even be understood as progress.

Then what? What am I to do? Am I to spend the rest of my days acquiring the tools I need to improve the world, only to realize all to late that there is no time to get anything done? Am I to watch the world suffer under its own self-destruction, as I idly bide my time for the opportunity I need to help others?

I just feel so conflicted. I am doing everything I can to help my small circle of the world, while spending most of my time thinking about how to help the whole world, and yet, the two ideas seem largely inconsistent. Am I really so selfish as to seek personal happiness before seeking worldly betterment? Or is there something I ought to be doing instead?

And so... I often feel as though my time has passed and my purpose is lost, and yet I keep on pounding on the walls of my cage, hoping for freedom, yet knowing it will never come.

The world's smallest violin is playing a melancholy song to honor my plight; and yet, all I can think of is how such a song might move the world in a better direction.

Oh sorrow! Oh pain!
Why does the world remain the same?
When people suffer, and people die,
Why is it always observed by the blind?

Is there no justice, or caring,
Or compassion for sharing?
Is there no heart and no soul
When the world is so blinded
And the poor are so poor?

Oh desperate! Oh Despair!
Is there no one who cares?
When the world is all gone,
Ad nothing is left.
Will the world seek revenge

For those whom were left
And for those whom are now dead?

I just feel that someone has to do something. And having realized this, I believe that someone is me. I feel that when a problem is identified, it is good in itself to complain, but with nobody there willing to lead, it's just another problem unanswered.

Those who have done well continue to do even better for themselves. With time, and money, and prosperity, they find much more devious ways to hurt the world. Very few among them are concerned with the betterment of society. So bountifully endowed, and yet, with all of their latent potential, they do NOTHING to help society. They do NOTHING to help the world. Nothing but small contributions. Nothing but marginal fixes to very serious problems. And even when contributions are made, there is nothing done to address the root causes of these problems.

Starving societies in Africa do not need FOOD! They need the means in which to provide food! They need infrastructural and working agriculture! They don't need shoes, they need significant development. They need education and industry. That is what the world runs on. Education and industry. Nothing else. Nothing else runs the world. Not good faith or charity, but EDUCATION and INDUSTRY!

And yet... and still... I feel powerless to do anything about it.

--Koi

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